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Friday, December 23, 2005
 
Offski

Dear Patrons,

The staff of the Daily Linguini will now be taking a short break, returning on Tuesday 3rd January 2006. The restaurant will now therefore be closed until that date.

We would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukah, and to thank you for your custom during 2005. We look forward to welcoming you back in the New Year.

Regards,

Pastamasta
Head Waiter


Served by pastamasta at 2:17 PM
>> 3 blobs of PM Sauce - add more
>>
>> takeaway
 
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
 
100 Things, piatto quinto

And finally...

100 Things You Probably Never Wanted To Know About Me And Were Afraid I'd Tell You

Slice V
  1. I rarely use five words when twenty will do. This is why I will probably never be a good writer.

  2. When I'm relaxing on the sofa after a hard day's work, I swing my legs gently from side to side. Sometimes I do so for a good hour. This drives my wife insane. It also means I have nicely-toned thigh muscles.

  3. My ideal holiday destination would be anywhere with plenty of sunshine (although not necessarily hot), either water- or snow-sports facilities (to have both might be asking a bit much), inexpensive and unusual local food, exotic alcoholic beverages and a relaxed attitude to public displays of affection.

  4. I love similes. I love them like a sweet-toothed clown loves a well-aimed custard pie.

  5. I once peed on The Levellers frontman Mark Chadwick's foot, in the urinal row of a pub in Leamington Spa. I'm fairly sure I was congratulating him on the excellence of the gig at the time, although I might conceivably have been calling him a smelly hippie.

  6. I drink far more coffee than can be good for me. It's only 10am and I'm already on my second espresso.

  7. My Christmas tree-decorating skills are derived from the Throw Everything On And See What Happens school of design. My wife says it looks like a blancmange.

  8. I will occasionally drop quotes from Blackadder and Monty Python into a conversation without warning. This inexplicably fails to impress management types at office parties.

  9. I am a lousy correspondent. I owe at least twenty people an email, with no realistic prospect of them actually getting one in the next two months.

  10. I prefer entertaining and witty dialogue to showy special effects. Having said that, my bum was arc-welded to the cinema seat throughout all three parts of Lord of the Rings.

  11. I don't know how to let sleeping dogs lie. If someone's done me an injustice, or just really and truly pissed me off, I'll kneecap them, even if it means I get disapproving looks/fired/battered with a large stick.

  12. I have a highly-developed sense of fairness, which feeds neatly into no. 91 and gets me into plenty of trouble at work for kneecapping managers on behalf of my colleagues.

  13. Sometimes a random part of my body will start itching, and then I'll scratch the itch, and as soon as I've done that a different area starts itching. This repeats itself at least ten times. It's not fleas - I've checked.

  14. I refuse, on point of principle, to dine in any establishment which serves only diet versions of drinks. I insist on retaining the right to consume unhealthy sugary lard if the fancy strikes me.

  15. Small furry animals have a tendency to attack me violently or, failing that, try to have sex with my kneecaps. It must be pheromones, or something.

  16. No matter how hard I try, I cannot lick my own nose. People tend to look at me askance when I try it in the office, which is at least once a week. Practice makes perfect.

  17. I can, however, move my ears independently. I am at a loss to explain why this has not, as yet, gained me lucrative employment in the field of espionage.

  18. I can also tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue. I once mentioned this to a male friend, who expressed puzzlement as to why this would be a useful talent for a man. Poor uneducated fool.

  19. Many (if not most) of the things I do drive my wife insane. For some inexplicable reason she nevertheless continues to live with me and pretend that I am a nice person. This is a good thing.

  20. More than a few of the traits in this list, plus most of the other really disturbing ones I haven't told you about, occasionally make me worry that I should be locked up somewhere. Well, I suppose there's still time.
All done! Now I have to go and make a list of 100 Things I Still Have To Buy Before Christmas, and then go out and buy them. I'm sure there must be a less expensive way to have a global festive season; please send appropriate suggestions to Mr. S. Claus, 1 North Pole St., Greenland.


Served by pastamasta at 10:24 AM
>> 4 blobs of PM Sauce - add more
>>
>> takeaway
 
Monday, December 12, 2005
 
100 Things, piatto quarto

The home stretch is in sight...

100 Things You Probably Never Wanted To Know About Me And Were Afraid I'd Tell You

Slice IV
  1. I don't like cooked peas. Raw peas, on the other hand... glorious. Straight out of the pod, for preference.

  2. I'm generally quite polite. It's an upbringing thing. My mum loves to tell the story of how I was confronted in a department store at the age of three by a 6 foot-tall bloke in a Womble suit, which terrified the crap out of me but which I nevertheless managed to greet with a subdued "How do you do, Mister Womble". Aren't I adorable?

  3. I don't have an "off" switch. My wife can fall asleep at the drop of a hat when the fancy takes her. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour, enumerating hypothetical ovines or imagining what it would be like if I had superpowers. When that fails, I get up and make myself a sandwich.

  4. My favourite colour is blue, by some distance. At least 95% of all my shirts are some variety of blue, and I own a lot of shirts.

  5. By a curious quirk of fate, none of my underwear is blue. None. It's a mystery.

  6. I have freakily sensitive tastebuds. I can usually identify the ingredients of most dishes by taste, with the possible exception of gumbo, which I'm given to understand contains a small sample of every edible substance on the planet, including some species of moss. Gumbo is my ideal food, but drives me nuts because I can't tell what's in it.

  7. I can swear, to a greater or lesser extent, in 17 languages (I counted): English, French, Italian, Spanish, Basque, Portuguese, Greek, German, Dutch, Yiddish, Russian, Cantonese, Tagalog, Zulu, Sindebele, Urdu and Latin. It doesn't come in handy as often as I would like.

  8. I love dramatic trees. Really big, ancient, leafyspready oaks; the knobbly bits on monkey-puzzle trees; African acacias, with those unbelievable three-inch thorns; anything a bit different. They have bucketloads of character.

  9. I play many musical instruments (about twelve) quite poorly. I play the piano and guitar reasonably well. My violin playing has been likened, with some justification, to a cat trying to poo through a sewn-up bum.

  10. I am an inveterate hoarder. I have boxes full of junk in my attic, which I've never gotten around to throwing out because it might come in handy. Well, you never know, right?

  11. I fiddle with things. Bits of paper, biro tops, mouse leads, my own earlobes. It burns off a lot of calories, apparently. It also drives my wife insane.

  12. I can't throw properly from short distances. Sounds illogical, doesn't it? I can get a basketball through a hoop or hit the stumps with a cricket ball from twenty yards, but ask me to chuck an empty Coke can into the bin from three feet and I'm screwed.

  13. Certain textures make my fingertips cringe. The feel of rough newspaper, snooker-table baize, polystyrene cups, or sandstone makes me twitchy. This is why I wear the black leather gloves and constantly stroke the fluffy white cat.

  14. I can hum and whistle at the same time, which means I can do two-part harmonies with myself. Well, okay, I could if I was any good at it. Mostly it sounds like I've got a piccolo stuck up my nose.

  15. I am almost completely incapable of burping.

  16. I prefer dogs to cats. On the other hand, there's something appealing about a pet which can feed itself, and occasionally you (provided you like eating sparrows and voles).

  17. I reckon squirrels are actually tiny ninjas. At night, when no-one is watching, they creep out of their trees wearing little ninja outfits, and assassinate dishonourable weasels and foxes. Squirrels are cool.

  18. I hate shaving. It's bloody painful, because I have extremely fast-growing, tough facial hair. I get five o'clock shadow at 10 a.m. I would shave twice a day, but I would be permanently covered in Elastoplast.

  19. The only thing worse than shaving is not shaving. I can grow a full beard in about 4 days, and I look like a mass murderer.

  20. Sometimes I get the theme tune to Postman Pat stuck in my head, and it stays there for hours. I can only get it out by replacing it with Shirley Bassey singing "Goldfinger".
I have no idea how some people manage to do all 100 Things in one go. I don't have the mental stamina. I get distracted by all sorts of things, such as the suspicious-looking black van sporting multiple roof antennae which has just pulled up across the road from my office. I'll just be off now, as the authorities have clearly caught up with me. My next post will be from Buenos Aires. Hasta luego.


Served by pastamasta at 2:55 PM
>> 4 blobs of PM Sauce - add more
>>
>> takeaway
 
Thursday, December 08, 2005
 
100 Things, piatto terzo

Like the inside of my brain so far? Tasty, is it? Excellent! Here's some more.

100 Things You Probably Never Wanted To Know About Me And Were Afraid I'd Tell You

Slice III
  1. I don't actually have a nationality, as such. There are enough different ethnic gene pools mixed together in my bloodstream that I could probably claim at least 6 passports and support at least 15 football teams.

  2. When asked, I generally give my nationality as "Mongrel". It's my little joke. I have been doing this for ten years, and still think it is funny. My wife pretends she doesn't know me.

  3. Because of the varied nature of my ancestry, I tend to adopt the accent of whomever I'm speaking to at any given time. It happens very quickly, and usually without me noticing. Occasionally this leads people to think I'm taking the piss out of them.

  4. I don't get embarrassed. Ever. I don't have the right glands for it, or something.

  5. Unfortunately I also find it quite difficult to work out what will embarrass other people, which makes some of my lunchtime topics of conversation somewhat interesting. My wife embarrasses very easily, however, so of course this drives her completely up the twist.

  6. I grew up in Hong Kong. I spent 14 years there, which makes it pretty much the default value of Home in my internal RAM. I miss the food, the first-rate night-life, being able to buy almost anything, the incredibly perilous airport landings, and being able to see the sea. I don't miss the crowds, the noise, the pollution, the ubiquitous spitting, or the sense that you always have to hurry about everything.

  7. I consider the movie Groundhog Day to be one of the finest allegories ever produced on the subject of fulfillment and second chances. Everyone to whom I admit this opinion thinks I am mad.

  8. I have a nasty habit of tapping my feet and drumming my fingers on the desk while I'm working. This drives my colleagues insane, except the one for whom I bought earplugs in last year's office "Secret Santa".

  9. Sometimes I whistle as well. One day I am going to get smacked over the head with a keyboard.

  10. I love interesting drinks, as well as food. Don't get me wrong - I don't drink heavily, or even mediumly. I'm quite restrained. I just love the distinctive flavour and aroma of an unusual alcohol gliding slowly over the back of my tongue. Beer does nothing for me. Single malt Scotch (preferably Talisker), Amaretto, grappa and Chartreuse Verte send me into a rapturous coma.

  11. On the rare occasions when I do overindulge... the more intoxicated I get, the more polite and dignified I become, and the more sesquipedalian my speech. I can pronounce words perfectly after four glasses of Shiraz Grenache which I wouldn't touch with a barge-pole when sober.

  12. I love old maps. If I ever had a library of my own, I'd have one wall reserved for maps of pre-Norman Britain, the Mappa Mundi (the original, of course), and Mercator's Cosmographica. Okay, so I need to win the lottery first.

  13. My aftershave of choice is Cerruti 1881, or failing that, Issey Miyake. I generally like citrusy, tangy fragrances. My wife says I smell like a grapefruit.

  14. I am a gadget freak. If it's got shiny buttons and is miniaturised to the point of needing a microscope and a pin in order to be able to press them, that's the toy for me. It doesn't have to be particularly useful; for example, my dad once bought me a remote-controlled farting-noise machine. (Actually, that one was quite useful...)

  15. I am forever losing my gadgets. There's probably some miniature civilisation eking out a hidden existence in the dusty recesses of our house, composed of old and forgotten mobile phone accessories, 32Kb personal organisers, digital watches and other things that go "beep" which have been given to me as Christmas stocking-fillers over the years.

  16. I hate being wrong. Hate hate hate with a crunchy loathing centre. My wife has a similar problem. This makes for some interesting arguments.

  17. I studied Law at university, but realised after three years that I would die of boredom doing it for a living. I nevertheless retain a useful grounding in how to present a convincing argument, and also how to do so successfully when I don't even have part of a leg to stand on. This comes in exceptionally handy when arguing with my wife.

  18. I once helped to rescue two girls from a capsizing boat (in the South China Sea, at the age of fourteen, during a field trip). I was subsequently asked out by one of them which, being fourteen and therefore socially and emotionally clueless, I entirely failed to take seriously. Pity - she was really fit.

  19. I consider guilt to be a complete waste of time and energy. Ditto regret. Fortunately I am perfect and never make mistakes, so it's irrelevant.

  20. I'm not too big on modesty, either.
Blah blah blah. Sixty down, forty to go.

By the way, I've made a coat of arms for the Daily Linguini; it's now on display at the top of this page. Opinions welcome, as long as they're either complimentary or come enclosed with a large bottle of Veuve Cliquot. Also, a small prize will go to the first accurate translation of the motto (accuracy to be determined by a select panel of Brazilian capybaras with degrees in Latin Semantics).


Served by pastamasta at 2:13 PM
>> 2 blobs of PM Sauce - add more
>>
>> takeaway
 
Monday, December 05, 2005
 
100 Things, piatto secondo

Okay. Here goes with the second installment of random things you should know about me in order to understand what I laughingly refer to as my personality. (If you missed the first bit and desperately feel the need to read it, it's here.)

100 Things You Probably Never Wanted To Know About Me And Were Afraid I'd Tell You

Slice II
  1. I love food.

  2. I really love food. It's practically my raison d'être. (I suspect that this is not actually news to anyone who's read this blog more than, oh, let's say, twice.) It is my stated ambition to try at least one of everything.

  3. I particularly love weird and unusual food. Once I went on holiday to Malaysia, and brought back some local delicacies for my office colleagues to sample. I think the dried, salted, sesame-seed-covered candied anchovies went down the best.

  4. Despite the above, I am a 'normal' weight. By this I mean I'm a bit soft around the middle and not as athletic as I was when I was 19. I can still run up the stairs and climb trees. I live in mortal dread of the day when my metabolism suddenly wakes up and figures out what I'm up to.

  5. At heart, I am still eight years old. Most of the time, what I really want to do is climb trees, run around the park making noises like an aeroplane, throw water balloons at innocent bystanders, and set fire to things. Responsibility sucks.

  6. I have no respect for celebrity. I once told world snooker champion Steve Davis to piss off because he was trying to get a beer without queueing for it.

  7. Animals fascinate me. I would have been a vet, if it hadn't been for the fact that the only vets of my acquaintance seem to spend much of their time with their hands up dogs' bottoms.

  8. I make up for not being a vet by compulsively watching every wildlife programme ever broadcast on television. This drives my wife insane.

  9. I drive too fast. I really shouldn't. Not with anyone else in the car, of course, especially the kids - then I drive like an old granny in a Reliant Robin with two gears - but I still shouldn't.

  10. I'm not really an expert at anything, but I'm reasonably proficient at a large variety of things. The phrase "Jack-of-all-trades" is actually defined in the Oxford English Dictionary with my name next to it.

  11. Coffee is the best drink in the whole world. Tea is quite sublime, but is only acceptable in Chinese or Japanese varieties. None of this English muck. Sorry.

  12. I believe to the very core of my being that anyone who puts milk in tea should be ceremonially disembowelled on sight.

  13. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and imagine what it'd be like if I had superpowers.

  14. When I am cooking, which is most evenings, I occasionally juggle with knives. It makes my wife yell at me, which frankly is not the most sensible thing to do to someone juggling with knives. Silly woman.

  15. I was once chased by a wild elephant. (In South Africa, in a Land Rover. Ever seen Jurassic Park? You know the bit where they're being pursued by the T-Rex in a 4x4? Well, it was just like that, except with less teeth and bigger ears. Also, elephants can't drive 4x4s.) It was scary. And they don't tell you how quietly elephants can run.

  16. I am irrevocably convinced that the common pigeon is EVIL. They stare at me, you see. They all stare. So they must die.

  17. As a child, I knew at least 30 reasonably good card tricks. I have forgotten every single one of them. It's bloody annoying.

  18. I am somewhat accident-prone. I have numerous small scars caused by unexpected high-speed interfacing with shelves, bookcases, door frames, chairs, cupboards, bicycles, trees and siblings' front teeth. I have a couple of major scars, in well-hidden areas, caused by unexpected high-speed interfacing with a plate-glass door. I have nevertheless managed to avoid having any scars at all as a result of knife juggling.

  19. There are few things more irritating to me than unnecessary beaurocracy. I have worked in large organisations that often put i-dotting and t-crossing in front of actual problem-solving and customer service. If I did really have superpowers, I would be Fixit Man, and would wield my mighty Laser Scissors to do battle with my evil nemesis, Baron Redtape.

  20. Squirty cream makes me gag, on account of being so fluffy. It's like eating fairy poo.
More another day. Now I have to go home and parcel up some oddly-shaped Christmas presents. (How exactly does one go about wrapping an unboxed rubber duck, anyway?)


Served by pastamasta at 5:14 PM
>> 3 blobs of PM Sauce - add more
>>
>> takeaway
 
Thursday, December 01, 2005
 
100 Things

In my travels about the blogosphere I've regularly come across what seems to be a near-obligatory meme whereby the author exposes the inner workings of their psyche to the general public, in a feature traditionally called 100 Things You Always Wanted To Know About Me, or similar. I've never done this, primarily because my psyche is a deep, pitch-black, terrifying cavern in which nameless things with too many tentacles lurk, and secondarily because I instinctively shy away from self-analysis on the basis that I like my comfortable pink fluffy world of self-delusion just fine, thanks. It keeps the tentacles quiet.

However, given that I am ornery and cussed, I'm going to do it anyway. But, and this is precisely because I am ornery and cussed and other epithets traditionally used by hill-dwelling greybeards in 1950s Westerns to refer to their mules, I shall be doing it in installments.

Okay, so I'm really doing it that way because I'm a lazy bastard. Sue me.

100 Things You Probably Never Wanted To Know About Me And Were Afraid I'd Tell You

Slice I
  1. I live by the credo of Lord Byron and Mae West; try anything once.

  2. Except Morris-dancing. Even I have limits.

  3. I'm always reading three or four books at once. This drives my wife insane.

  4. I use humour as a defence mechanism, except against mad wild killer dogs, when I use a big stick.

  5. I'll always avoid conflict or confrontation if I can. I'd rather be the diplomat.

  6. I spread the Marmite all the way to the edge of the toast. This is not negotiable. If necessary, I buy more Marmite.

  7. I'm very slow to anger, but when it happens, bystanders should really bugger off sharpish because it's not pretty.

  8. I talk to myself far more often than can be healthy. Sometimes it's the only way to have an intelligent conversation.

  9. I often speak without thinking about it first. I've been trying to fix this for years, without noticeable success.

  10. I always get this sneaking suspicion that I've offended people without realising it. This probably has something to do with numbers 8 & 9.

  11. I hate having anything sticky on my face. Really skin-crawling, hair-standing-on-end, jumping-out-the-window-screaming-NO-NO-NO hate it. This occasionally makes the Marmite fixation a bit tricky.

  12. I'm not afraid of spiders, snakes, rats, cockroaches, heights, small spaces, large crowds, bogeymen or brain-eating space zombies from Pluto, but I am scared completely shit-free by moths. Go figure.

  13. Being a dad is the best thing in the world.

  14. Being a dad is also the scariest thing in the world. Apart from the moths.

  15. It's a constant source of irritation to me that I've never yet managed to get to Antarctica. My contacts in the Penguin Mafia have so far failed to come up with a viable solution.

  16. I love movies. I regularly curse the fact that I can't get to the cinema as often as I used to.

  17. I make New Year's resolutions throughout the year, and don't stick to any of them. Knowing in advance that this will happen makes me feel strangely guilt-free.

  18. I've bungee-jumped off a large crane and abseiled down a reasonably vertiginous building, but am terrified by the thought of being asked to change the spark plugs on my wife's car. Motors and me do not mix.

  19. Unusual words give me a warm, fuzzy feeling. I particularly like "curmudgeon" and "uvula".

  20. I tend to go a bit loopy if conversations are getting serious and need lightening up; that's the humour-as-defence-mechanism thing kicking in. Occasionally, I overdo it.

More to follow... when I recover from the shock of putting anything personal in here, or more accurately when I get around to it. (<THWACK!> Lazy bastard!)


Served by pastamasta at 8:42 AM
>> 2 blobs of PM Sauce - add more
>>
>> takeaway